literally had 100 drinks last night.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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