Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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