I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize