I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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