the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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