She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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