By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
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