why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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