I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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