some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
