My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
