Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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