i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
