I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
