so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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