Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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