I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
