he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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