If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
