If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
