Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
