Old men and throwing up are my life now.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
