I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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