Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
