I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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