I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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