Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
