Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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