awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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