Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
