So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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