Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
