Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
