I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
