hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
