Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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