dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
