is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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