I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
