Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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