She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
