I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
