Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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