someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
