i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
