A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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