you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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