he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
