I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
