I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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