I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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