she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
