bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
