he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
