Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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