If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
