The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
