I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
