The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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