I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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