Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
