The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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