I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's blow job season.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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